The guest
Bert Kreischer: Stand-up comedian, podcaster (Two Bears One Cave, Bertcast) and actor, famous for his 'The Machine' story, his shirtless party persona, and the Fully Loaded comedy festival; star of the film The Machine.
What this episode covers
Longtime friends Joe Rogan and Bert Kreischer catch up the morning after a stacked night at Bert's Austin comedy club, where Ron White and a who's-who of comics performed. They wander through stand-up craft, the differences between club, theater and arena timing, and Bert's obsessive process of building a new hour and a Netflix special. A large chunk centers on health: Bert's wake-up at a wellness clinic, starting TRT and steroids, his punitive workout philosophy, and Joe's warnings about training while sick with covid. They swap wild BDSM and dominatrix stories, debate how sexual tastes get imprinted, and close on heavier territory: dictators, Putin and Kim Jong-un, Smedley Butler's 'War Is a Racket,' pharmaceutical fines, free speech, and what happens after death.
Recommended on this episode
BookRecommended
Endure
Cam Hanes
“I love that [ __ ] man... I like self-help books like that”
“his book is a self-help book it's a motivational book but it's based on his own life experiences”— Bert Kreischer
MediaRecommended
Ancient Apocalypse
Graham Hancock
“it's amazing... it's very good it's really good”
“Graham Hancock has a great thing on [ __ ] Netflix oh it's amazing he's a guy that I heard His Name a bunch”— Bert Kreischer
MediaRecommended
How to Become a Tyrant
“oh it's [ __ ] awesome I'm so obsessed”
“I've been watching this thing how to how to make a dictator on uh Netflix have you seen it oh it's [ __ ] awesome”— Bert Kreischer
MediaRecommended
The Dictators
“one of the most fascinating... I'm obsessed man”
“I have this podcast that I listen to It's called the dictators and it is one of the most fascinating”— Bert Kreischer
ProductRecommended
JRE Cigar
Foundation Cigars
“Foundation cigars makes good cigars”
“these are from Foundation cigars Foundation cigars makes good cigars yeah I was very skeptical when they said they were gonna make a JRE cigar”— Joe Rogan
ProductRecommended
Rolex Daytona
Rolex
“everybody loves that... it's the [ __ ]”
“I like a Rolex Daytona everybody loves that that's the panda it's the [ __ ] it's the [ __ ]”— Joe Rogan
ProductRecommended
Omega Speedmaster
Omega
“the most slept on watch... it's a gorgeous [ __ ] watch”
“the one that I gave Lex Friedman that's a Omega Speedmaster but it has the moon phase built into it”— Joe Rogan
ProductRecommended
Cadillac Eldorado (1972)
Cadillac
“my favorite car is a 72 El Dorado”
“now you look at like my favorite car is a 72 El Dorado the convertible Cadillac and that's [ __ ] 50”— Joe Rogan
The guest's own work
MediaBy the guest
The Machine
“you know what else is a great movie what the machine the machine coming soon when it's Memorial Day Weekend”— Bert Kreischer
MediaBy the guest
Razzle Dazzle
“I'm in New York this week promoting my special Razzle Dazzle streaming right now on Netflix”— Bert Kreischer
MediaBy the guest
Two Bears One Cave
“she built it two bears one cave set for when Tommy comes out she put her podcast studio in there”— Bert Kreischer
MediaBy the guest
History Hyenas
“he's a history guy we used to do history hyenas with Giannis yeah that was fun”— Joe Rogan
Also referenced (named, not recommended)
BookReferencedISBN verified
War Is a Racket
Smedley Butler
“Smedley Butler's 1933 uh story that he wrote article he wrote War is a racket have you ever read that”— Joe Rogan
BookReferenced
Fingerprints of the Gods
Graham Hancock
“I found out about his original book Fingerprints of the Gods in the 90s and I remember reading it”— Joe Rogan
MediaReferenced
Radiolab
“Radio Lab that's why I first learned about this uh they're called sinkers people that are in the quicksand”— Joe Rogan
MediaReferenced
You're So Vain
Carly Simon
“walked into the party like you were walking into a yacht You Know That You're So Vain Carly Simon oh yeah let's play it”— Bert Kreischer
MediaReferenced
Talladega Nights
“fire Brimstone Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Tom Cruise use your witchcraft what a great [ __ ] movie”— Bert Kreischer
MediaReferenced
Groundhog Day
“but if it's like Groundhog's Day Groundhog's Day he ends unhappy but if you end up happy yeah you ended up happy”— Bert Kreischer
MediaReferenced
Wonder Woman
“I know I'm straight because I saw Wonder Woman and I liked it oh okay that makes sense”— Bert Kreischer
MediaReferenced
Ace Ventura
“they can reference a movie like Ace Ventura and he's like Jim Carrey who's I don't know who that is”— Joe Rogan
MediaReferenced
Sex: The Annabel Chong Story
“the Annabelle Chong story so it's a documentary from 99 explores see if you can get the Annabelle”— Joe Rogan
MediaReferenced
How I Met Your Mother
“have you ever seen How I Met Your Mother without the laugh track on no”— Bert Kreischer
MediaReferenced
Jurassic Park
“have you seen Jurassic Park and I'm like Jay don't start because are we just have we just conceded that there's dinosaurs”— Bert Kreischer
MediaReferenced
Kill Tony
“tonight we're going to uh kill Tony kill Tony and then uh flying home”— Joe Rogan
ProductReferenced
Rolex Cellini
Rolex
“have you seen Rolex as a moon phase watch it's called a Cellini or something and he's like that's the [ __ ] gangster watch”— Joe Rogan
ProductReferenced
Rolex GMT-Master
Rolex
“The GMT is my I totally and I wouldn't buy a watch for a year because she gave me this for my birthday”— Bert Kreischer
ProductReferenced
Tesla Model S Plaid
Tesla
“I own a Tesla The Plaid one it's the fastest car I own I own a lot of fast cars like Porsches”— Joe Rogan
ProductReferenced
Tesla Roadster
Tesla
“the little Roadster thing is like I believe it's 1.9 seconds 0-60 which is so crazy that's so fast”— Joe Rogan
ProductReferenced
GMC Hummer EV
GMC
“the brand new Hummer which is an electric Hummer which is this giant SUV that GMC makes that go 0 to 60 in like three seconds”— Joe Rogan
ProductReferenced
Deca-Durabolin
“I'm doing Winstrol deca I love steroids I know it's not steroids but I think it is”— Bert Kreischer
ProductReferenced
Invisalign
“Leanne got a [ __ ] uh Invisalign yeah her teeth are perfect what the [ __ ] are you doing”— Bert Kreischer
ProductReferenced
Semaglutide
“who's on semi glutes I know but okay A lot of people are on it but when we talked about it it started popping up everywhere”— Joe Rogan
Big reveals from this episode
- Bert's wife Leanne secretly bought a new house and built him a full podcast studio plus a Two Bears One Cave set inside it, taking over his business.
- Bert reveals he's now on TRT plus Winstrol and Deca after a wellness clinic flagged his testosterone, calling steroids 'medicine' and saying he loves them.
- Bert recounts a graphic dominatrix TV-shoot where he was bound, shocked and weighted, with the safe word 'marshmallow,' deciding to let it finish.
- Bert and Tom Segura visited a dominatrix together for a live show; Adriana Chechik offered them a double-team, which their wives vetoed.
- Bert says he still can't fully forgive Ari Shafir for drugging him and won't put him on Fully Loaded because of it.
- Bert smuggled a weed one-hitter into Canada, panicked at the border, and the agent let him off saying it was 'an honor meeting the machine.'
- Bert nearly chose not to fact-check his cherished memory of seeing Nirvana live, then confirmed it with his old college roommate.
Worth remembering
- The JRE cigars are made by Foundation Cigars, which Joe praises despite initial skepticism about a branded cigar.
- Joe gave Lex Fridman an Omega Speedmaster with a built-in moon phase, calling it 'the most slept on watch.'
- Joe says the Tesla Roadster is projected at roughly 1.9 seconds 0-60, faster than all his muscle cars and Porsches.
- Joe cites Smedley Butler, a decorated Marine general, and his 1935 book 'War Is a Racket' confessing he made nations safe for bankers.
- The Annabel Chong documentary covers a USC gender-studies student who had sex with 251 men in 10 hours.
- Graham Hancock and Randall Carlson tie ancient civilizations to a comet impact around 11,800 years ago (Younger Dryas).
- Cam Hanes ran 10 miles a day and polar plunged while sick with covid, prompting Joe to send a nurse.
- Bert hit his first-ever home run at age 50 at his old high school field, having never hit one out in high school.
- Volkswagen has paid about $34.9 billion in fines for its dieselgate emissions scandal.
- Joe describes UK studies giving subjects a slow IV drip of DMT to sustain the state for hours and map repeatable encounters.
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