Vanessa Van Edwards: Behavioral investigator, communication coach, and bestselling author (Captivate) who has taught over 400,000 students to decode body language and become better communicators. A self-described 'recovering awkward person.'
What this episode covers
Vanessa Van Edwards returns to teach Steven Bartlett the science of communication, charisma, and connection. She breaks down how to make great first impressions (in person, on dating apps, and on video calls), the seven universal micro-expressions and how to read them, and why most people sabotage their dates by hiding their feelings. She analyzes real first dates her team filmed in Austin, coaching participants live via earpiece. The conversation closes with a deep dive into the Big Five personality traits (OCEAN) and how they predict relationship success, career fit, and even longevity.
Recommended on this episode
Outlive
Peter Attia
“Oh my gosh, yes, Peter Aia's book outlive so good. Did you like it? What was your biggest takeaway from that?”— Vanessa Van Edwards
The guest's own work
Captivate
Vanessa Van Edwards
“you have the most wonderful bookshelf of cues and captivate up there, right? Like my books, which I love.”— Vanessa Van Edwards
Big reveals from this episode
- Claims checking your phone in a waiting room makes you 'accidentally look like a loser' by mimicking the universal defeat posture.
- Reveals a date guest, Kendrick, never knew Vanessa was whispering in his date's earpiece the entire time.
- After coaching, a woman who was attracted to her date rejected him claiming she was 'too busy', which made Vanessa angry.
- Argues 'busyness is not a mark of success' and is preventing people from finding their person.
- States the number one cause of loneliness is that people withhold their liking, and 0% of the daters showed obvious interest.
- Cites John Gottman predicting divorce within 30 years with 93.6% accuracy from contempt in silent couple videos.
- Reveals high neurotics have the shortest lifespan, 'we worry ourselves to death.'
- Admits she doesn't love her job: 'If you had told me being a writer would mean sharing videos of my home every day, I probably wouldn't have done it.'
Worth remembering
- First impressions are roughly 76% accurate at guessing personality traits, and people judge your profile picture within 100 milliseconds.
- Research shows we produce oxytocin (the connection chemical) even through a lens, so sunglasses in photos create a subconscious barrier.
- The ideal eye-contact 'sweet spot' for oxytocin in Western cultures is 60-70%; powerful people make eye contact at the END of a point.
- We can get oxytocin through a screen, so on video aim for 50% eye contact with the person and 50% with the camera.
- Botox on smile wrinkles can make people feel less happy, and Botox on anger muscles has been used for anger management.
- Sadness is the most contagious and hardest-to-fake expression; making the face can trigger a yawn or tears.
- Personality traits are 42-57% heritable, leaving roughly 30-40% room to change yourself.
- Highly open people carry a DRD4 gene variant that gives them an extra dopamine hit from new experiences.
- Women are typically higher in neuroticism and agreeableness; men higher in extraversion.
- You can read personality from a handshake, and after shaking hands most people touch their nose, subconsciously 'smelling' the other person.