Dr Julie Smith: Clinical psychologist with over three million social media followers and author of the bestselling self-help book Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before?
What this episode covers
Dr Julie Smith explains how she moved from a private one-on-one therapy practice to sharing mental health education on TikTok, reaching millions. She and host Stephen Bartlett explore why rejection and online criticism hit so hard, how core beliefs formed in childhood drive adult relationship patterns, and the difference between goals and lifelong values. She argues meaningful change happens incrementally, that emotions are information to approach with curiosity rather than judgment, and that the quick-relief coping behaviors (the fridge, wine, endless scrolling) keep people stuck. The conversation closes on confidence, breath work, mortality as a source of meaning, and the primacy of human relationships.
The guest's own work
Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before?
Dr Julie Smith
“your brand new book why has nobody told me this before which i love by the way for many reasons”— Stephen Bartlett
Also referenced (named, not recommended)
The Body Keeps the Score
Bessel van der Kolk
“but my body as the famous book goes held the score my body would tell me even if my conscious mind wouldn't admit it”— Stephen Bartlett
Influence
Robert Cialdini
“there's a book called influence which and one of the five principles of influence is this idea of scarcity it's really a marketing book”— Stephen Bartlett
Big reveals from this episode
- Julie reveals she has had many moments questioning whether she even wants public success, something she says she had never told anyone before.
- She says her constant barometer for how much work to take on is always her family and being the mum she wants to be.
- She explains the more recent controversy around self-esteem and why she favors self-compassion over high self-esteem as a healthier framework.
- She warns affirmations like 'I am lovable' can be detrimental for people with low self-esteem, triggering an internal argument that worsens turmoil.
- She frames habitual coping behaviors as addictive precisely because they give instant relief, while the long-term fixes are hardest in the moment.
- Asked directly if she is happy, Julie answers 'yes some of the time,' rejecting the idea that happiness is a constant state.
Worth remembering
- Julie was reluctant to start on TikTok, fearing she'd be 'trolled out of there,' but the response was overwhelming almost instantly.
- Two years after starting, her account grew to roughly three and a half million followers despite no set game plan.
- Cognitive Analytic Therapy (CAT) maps how early-life relationships create survival strategies that get replayed as outdated coping in adult relationships.
- Different mood-shifting tools work for different people: Julie's husband loves old-school New York hip-hop, which puts her in a terrible mood.
- About 75 percent of Julie's followers are female, though her male followers are among her most engaged.
- Box breathing (square breathing) uses a four-count in, hold, out, hold pattern, and tracing a box-shaped object gives a discreet visual focus.
- Research shows extending and making the out-breath longer and more vigorous than the in-breath calms the stress response fairly quickly.
- Stephen keeps a sand timer next to a small white skull on his desk as a daily reminder of mortality and scarcity.