Jay Shetty: Former monk turned bestselling author, podcaster (On Purpose) and life coach; author of Think Like a Monk and 8 Rules of Love
What this episode covers
Steven Bartlett interviews Jay Shetty on Diary of a CEO around the release of Jay's book 8 Rules of Love. Jay opens unusually candidly about a seven-day period of anxiety where he confronted critics who say a former monk shouldn't be wealthy or successful, and his ongoing 'battle' with ego, envy and comparison. The bulk of the conversation is a framework on love: the four Vedic pursuits (Dharma/purpose, Artha/economics, Karma/connection, Moksha/service), why people skip personal purpose and rush into relationships out of insecurity, and how distance, presence and shared experiences shape intimacy. Jay and Steven dig into declining sex in relationships, porn's effect on expectations, celibacy as redirected creative energy, and how to genuinely build self-worth by doing hard things.
Recommended on this episode
8 Rules of Love
Jay Shetty
“thank you for writing a great Book on a topic your book is so good that I've decided not to write one on this topic”— Steven Bartlett
The guest's own work
8 Rules of Love
Jay Shetty
“there's a chapter in the book called your partner is your Guru and that's a really tough statement to handle”— Jay Shetty
Think Like a Monk
Jay Shetty
“because I wrote a book called think like a monk which I still stand by the title I still stand by the whole book”— Jay Shetty
Also referenced (named, not recommended)
The Diary of a CEO journal
Steven Bartlett
“I don't believe that value comes from a journal or a conversation with yourself in a mirror please buy the diary and I love Journal”— Jay Shetty
Dom Perignon
Moët & Chandon
“all I used to attract girls was bottles of Dom Perignon in a club I would buy five bottles of Dom Perignon at night”— Steven Bartlett
Big reveals from this episode
- Jay describes a recent week waking up feeling physically sick with anxiety, spending seven days alone processing online criticism that he never shared publicly before.
- By days three and four of that period he started to believe some of the criticism, questioning whether he was truly genuine.
- Jay names his 'ugly side' as ego, envy, jealousy and comparison, which he says he battles daily and never expects to fully win.
- On a partner he no longer finds attractive, Jay says he'd journey from 'intolerable to understanding to acceptance' rather than lead with 'I'm not attracted to you.'
- Jay's core relationship thesis: 'stop trying to change people if you're trying to change them then you don't love them you love their potential.'
- Jay reveals he and his wife have spent up to six months a year apart, and that six months apart took six months to fully reconnect.
- Jay frames great sex as 'a byproduct of great connection and intimacy,' not a replacement for or source of it.
- Jay shares he doesn't watch porn, attributing it to having sex early in life and then three years of monastic celibacy.
Worth remembering
- Jay's team is about 50 people full-time globally, reaching billions of people monthly across content.
- Jay recounts a monastery parable about giving 100 pounds to one person versus one pound to a hundred people to illustrate that money is neutral energy.
- Jay's monk teacher told Steven 'you can't pour out for others that which you don't have in your own bottle.'
- Jay's rule of thumb: every day apart requires a day of conscious quality time to rebuild a relationship.
- Paul Brunson's rule: if an opportunity separates a couple for more than two weeks, they go together or he declines it.
- Jay cites that watching TV is the lowest form of intimacy; 200 hours of TV together can leave a couple no closer.
- A study of college graduates found people predicted being married would put happiness at 8 and single at 3, but reality kept single happiness around 7.
- Steven admits that between ages 18 and 23 he attracted women by buying five bottles of Dom Perignon a night in clubs.
- Friendship-hours research: 40 hours makes a casual friend, 100 hours a friend, 200 hours a good friend.
- 'Brahmacharya' means proper use of energy; Jay frames celibacy as redirecting vital energy into creativity, not repression.