Matthew Hussey: New York Times best-selling author and dating coach who runs the world's number one YouTube channel for dating advice.
What this episode covers
Matthew Hussey traces his ambition back to childhood financial insecurity and a need for control, and how chasing ego left him feeling disconnected from his own life despite outward success. He shares a deeply personal account of chronic head and ear pain that brought him to his darkest, near-suicidal moments and ultimately taught him empathy, humility and self-compassion. The conversation turns to relationships, where Hussey argues against the myth of 'the one,' explaining that someone becomes the one through what you build and the effort you invest. He and Stephen Bartlett explore vulnerability in men, the difference between 'settling for' and 'settling on,' and why curiosity about a partner's differences is more connecting than judgment.
Recommended on this episode
Four Thousand Weeks
Oliver Burkeman
“oliver burkman his book for anyone who's struggling with being ready for commitment is a really powerful book you could read that book as a dating book”— Matthew Hussey
The guest's own work
Get the Guy
Matthew Hussey
“i used to write in people's books when i signed when people would bring me on tour a copy of get the guy”— Matthew Hussey
Also referenced (named, not recommended)
How to Win Friends and Influence People
Dale Carnegie
“i was about 11 or 12 when i first picked up how to win friends and influence people off my dad's bookshelf”— Matthew Hussey
Good Will Hunting
“matt damon won the the oscar at 27 for good will hunting and graham norton i always remember watching this interview”— Stephen Bartlett
Chopped
“there's a tv show called chopped and i'm probably going to get wrong the concept but in my head the concept of this show is very very interesting”— Matthew Hussey
Big reveals from this episode
- Hussey grew up with major financial insecurity, at one point living in a trailer as a teenager, fueling a lifelong obsessive need for control.
- At 27, doing his dream work for millions with a best-selling book and TV shows, he felt completely disconnected and 'on the outside of my own life.'
- His chronic head and ear pain created the darkest moments of his life and was the closest he'd ever been to feeling suicidal.
- He resolved to 'live for the people I care about' because the chronic pain robbed him of joy 24 hours a day.
- He admits he struggled with genuine vulnerability, having once been told that revealing insecurity was 'unattractive.'
- Hussey rejects the idea of 'the one,' saying someone becomes the one through what you build with them.
- He regrets writing 'never settle' in fans' copies of his book, now distinguishing 'settling for' from 'settling on.'
- Asked his dark side, he says it's believing everyone has a hidden agenda and can't be trusted.
Worth remembering
- Hussey's father owned a nightclub and Matthew DJ'd there from age 14.
- He was taken to a Tony Robbins seminar at the ExCeL Centre in England at age 14.
- He does jiu-jitsu most mornings and uses an Anthony Bourdain video as an 'emotional button' to motivate himself.
- A study showed introducing financial pay can reduce a person's motivation to do a task they once loved.
- He cites a rat-wheel study where the rat that chooses to run shows positive exercise markers while the forced rat shows stress markers.
- References Mo Gawdat's 'eraser test': 99% of people refused to erase their worst trauma because it would erase the lessons.
- His daily happiness criteria are six words: create, move, learn, connect, appreciate, contribute.
- He and his fiancee considered leaving LA but consciously chose to stay and immediately started investing in their home.